Letters To Look Forward To

New

2011-03-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

http://letterstolookforwardto.tumblr.com/

Dear Bob Harper,

2011-02-06T20:03:00.002-05:00

My company is havung a Biggest Lioser contest I joined becuase they promised goody bags adn the winning tean gets a free happy hour. Here is my thing: Iused to borrw your workout DVDs from my friend ansd whenever I got tired you would look Right At Me and say "don't give up!" and " you csan do this!" and "maybe yu should get a glass of water" and I felt so much like you wre watchingme that I had to turn it off. I haven't worked out since,.

A fnthing I do is when I make chocoate chip pancakes I put cut up bananas in there to makje it healthier, it's a fun way to get somepotassium and also they taste good. inside the ancakes. I guerss I'mw riting tog et some more advice because everyone in my biggest loser team si all mad they're like "oh greart Lisa's on our team" "she has a side of bacon wth lunch ever day" "the most execise she gest is when she drops a cookie on the floir" etc. So how do I make exercise afun time becuase I refuse to doanthing that is not fun.

The only time I hever saw your show there was a guy that was crying an he likened his ex-fiance to a hambuger. It was poetry.

From,LISA

Dear Richard Karn,

2011-02-05T00:00:00.002-05:00

Good evening I hope you are fining yourself to be well on this dar. Have yiu ever sold a car I am asking because I am ruight now going through the processand I personally am finding it to be taxing. I know that yiuj like to build things so I was thining if You Wanted To you culd purchase my car for partseven though it breaks my heart to think of her ike that. She is a fine specimen I'm sure yu understna.d Please first and foremsit if you are in need of a sturdty gal with a low center of gravity well let's be honest the firstperson to come to mind is Deirdre Lovejoy but after that it would be my car. And yeah you can ride Dierdre Lovejoy but I guarantee that my car will actually get you where yu want to go.

If you are not interested in purchasing ny car for yourself she would make a lovely gift; I know for a fact that bows do come in car sizes so maybe yiou could get one of those too. I don't know maybe thatn;s not your style. If you are loking for the truth this whle car thing has me very overwhlmed. I don't want to be lowballed; surely yiu can aprpeciate that.

I like you a lot I thoght you were the nicest on your show but the fact si Ellen gets first dibs though persoally I am not sure she's intersted.

Thank you have a nice time goodby Eichard Jarn,
LIda

Dear Ellen DeGeneres,

2011-02-03T22:15:00.000-05:00

Here's the facts: your last name as the word generous in it but I have never seen any evicdence of that outside of your television program. Don't get me wrong: I love you vert much and I love that youy are close with your mother and it'ss my favorite when you are talking to Justin Bieber on the TV. I used to watch yiur showw a lot but then I got a job. Now I dpn't even have cable but I still follw your twitter and all so it'snot like I've abandoned you completely. Anyway speaking of yiur being generous would you like to purcahse from me a 2010 Honda Civiv VP, FOUR DOORS, automatic, a nice gray color. Kelley says it's worth awhopping $13,600 and change but becuae I love you I'm willing to accept $13,000. Sh even already has a name: Harry Carnick, Jr., but you can change that if you want becuase I realize not everyone aprpeciates his musical stylings. Sometimes the air conditioing smells really sweet and then I get sick.

Please rush nmow to place an offer on this, do not waste a time becuase it's a very popular vehicle but because Ilove you so much I want you to have it. I love you Eleln when is the next time Justin will be on also you shuld have Selena on too she always has the best haircuts, didyou know that they are dating? But I'm not jealous. Oh also about ~7500 miles and it's getting some new oil on Satyrday. Brakes.;

Love Lisa

Dear Pepperidge Farm,

2011-02-02T23:06:00.001-05:00

Hello. Here'as a funny story: so one time an ostrich heard a bout a party but he wasn't invited. His feelngs were hurt but it semed like everyone was going so he decided to go to. He took a lone time to work up the nerve to actually show his face atthis party. He was very nervous. So the day of theparty finally arrived. His stonach was in knots! Finally he has the guts to head over... and they see himcoming and they're like Oh No! And they all stick their heads in the sand because he Sucks and they don't want him there. And our ostrich friend, he's like, "hey, where did verybody go???"

What I'm trying to say is bread is a lot like peple in that it's never perfect but that's its beauty. When ignorance criticizes your bread please don't feel sad -- bread is cuisine's building block. Without it we'd be S.O.L. (s*** outt aluck!!() Please have anice day. I use it to make grlled cheese sandwches and maybe I'm biased but grilled cheese or not bread is OK in my book.

Love
LIsa

Dear Colin Meloy,

2011-01-01T21:49:00.001-05:00

You mad>?

Dear North American Cartographic Society,

2010-11-30T20:57:00.004-05:00

Do yiu evr think about how everything andnothing is the sa,me thing?

Lovd'LIsa

Dear Boston Museum of Science,

2010-11-11T22:01:00.001-05:00

Sciencce is a fun time, at least for me and I'm sure for you guys too. I like when I put the colord water in the soda bottles that are attached atthe mouth. It's a whirlpool! Once I made a rice crispy treat and when I pu t the marshmallows in the microwave they got really big and kepy growng once I took them out. That I knew wass science.

Lately I've ben thinking molecules are reallt cool and also atoms and matter of any sort. Things that aren't cool? DINOSAURS. Biology. Mitochondria. Deoxyribonucleic acid. Ribosomes. But especially dinosaurs. Also living in Rhode Island and being a FIRST CLASS LOSER.
'
Yhanks,
Love Lisa

Dear Forum Novelties,

2010-11-01T21:26:00.004-04:00

After my birthday I get sad becase people don't pay as good attention to me and here nw I would like to extend my sympathies to yo for a similar conundrum. If it will make you feel any better enclosed is some pictures of my cat that I took yesterday because it was chilly inside the house.

Love
Lisa

P.S. Just a random though t how gross is it when peopel use fake trees for Christmas time it makes me want to VOMIT we weren't raised in barns

Dear Scotch Tape,

2010-10-29T21:28:00.001-04:00

Hi my name s Lisa and I am conducting a survey on behalf of . On a scale of one to ten how dumb is it when people talk about 2012 lke it will really happen. Din't you just want to kill those people.

Oh well ha ha nobody's perfect bye now

Lisa

Dear Golden Spike Museum,

2010-10-28T21:09:00.001-04:00

Hello! All of the time I an saying to myslef WHAT A WONDERFUL THING IT IS to live in the age of the railroad. It must belike Christmas morning every day whe you get up to go to work. You know who doesn't have Christas every day? Neil Rmnstrong. You know why? Well one is he's old and it's a known fact that old people do not care for Christmas the same way we do, and also the moon was just a one tine thing and the railroads are all day every day. I'm sorry but facts don't lie.

YThank you have a nice timefrom Lisa

Dear Snookie,

2010-10-26T20:39:00.000-04:00

Sup gurl! Lol How are you ding I am LOVING your hair is that a new weave itlooks especially shiny today. Here's a funny story, forlike a minute I was a broadcast journalisn major so you and I have more in commoon than you thought! but you know how it is being in front of the TV all the time sometimes you just need a moment of peace. I admirne your dedicatin to the culture of the Eastern Seaboard and wish to congrl you in your telelvision program. Good job

SO. You prbably are wonderng why I'm writing you a letter. Well heres the thing: I know by the tine you get thisdletter it will be almost Halloween but if it's not too late may I make a suggestion: Go as a HAM BONE but here's the thing, all you need to dress the part is to have a good idea but to execute it poorly and without flair. The only catch is that the good idea has to belong to someone else but you have to take ALL the credit,.

I do hope you have a very nice halloween please be sure to have an adult check your candy efore you eat it and also remember the Buddy System thank you snookie goodbye

From your real friend Lisa

Dear Timothy Hamblin,

2010-10-19T20:18:00.001-04:00

Hey dumps, yiu know that movie where it;s like a war and there;s a guy that sees another guy on the other team and he goes to shootr him and the other guyh like cowers and the first guy decides not to shoot him ebcause it's not even wirth it and that;s the biggest burn of all? A bigger burn than getting shot? Well that's us, aTimothhanblin. I am the one guy and yiu are the other not worth it guy, only I gave you a chance to prove youdself and you blew it. YA BLEW IT HAMBONE

So I guesd I have no choice but to take yiur silence as a surrender. I knwo you received my letter and I know yiu have read through my bloig. You've chosen not to step up and that is fine; it is every person's right. After all , Tinothy Hamblin, you woiuldn't want to get tear stains on your blouse.

Here are my hopes for you: 1) That yiy find sonething you are truly good at because it is a wonderful feelinto be pride in your work; 2) That your mother doesn't hate you for who you are; and 3) that you very nuch enjoy the free Bruer King Whoper courtesy of Letters To LOok Forward To (you'rre welcome)

Goodbye tinothy hamblin. Stop wasting your time on letters it dosn't suit you.
FRON LUSA

Dear Ted Haggard,

2010-10-12T21:17:00.000-04:00

Oh, how envious I am that yuou live in one of the most beautiful states in the countryt! When it's very cold do youy prefer to wear many thin layers or just a fewthick ones? Supposedly several thin layers does a better job of convesrving body heat but the problem is when you're wearing so many clothes you can hardlymove and if you fall down you may get wedged between the couch and the coffee table and hten you have to wait until somebody comes homebefore you can get out. A hard day, always.

So I suppose congratulations are in order: you've beatren god at his own game. You proved he's Imperfect. He made you one way adn now you're another. I suppose your parents are very proud. Anyway, I would love to discuss your strategies becausde I have a similar predicament: I am only five feet but I would like to be five foot five. Any advice woud begreatly aprpeciated.

So the real reason I'm writing is so I can get the Christians on my side because I'm really mad at somebody right now and just in case this comes to blows I wold like to have a spot secured in heaven. So if you get a letter from some guy in Rhose Island you should just ignore it because I can GUARANTEE he's not impressed with your recent Victory over god and he prrobably thinks being gay is a WAYOF LIFE rather than a LIFESTYLE CHOICE.

Love your "sister" Lisa

Dear Peter Gotti,

2010-10-11T21:00:00.001-04:00

What made then decide to put you in Indiana? That's a thing I wonder. And like Danny Leo is in Oklahoma City and another one of youy guys is in Georgia. They probably don't realize that they can take the boy out of New Yiork but you can't take New York out of the boy. Am I right? Another thing is I have a kind of funny story, whenever I hear about racketeering I become excited because my original thought is alwys that it's some sort of racketball/mouseketeer hyrbrid. Oh well we can't have everything I guess? Ha ha

Later this week I plan on making some pasta with shrimp and alfredo sauce, and I always want to use angelhair spaghetti because to me it seems very fancy but what kind of pasta do you recommend? I like angelhair because of the name but also things that are smaller than average are more fun for me. I also like those mini bottles ofdrinks that you get on airplanes and doll house furniture. Call it a quirk!

And FINALLY. I realize you have never been particularly intimidating but you must have sone experience because of your line of work. How does one send a message without doing so in person? Somebody I don't even know stole my idea and now I want to make him feel moderately bad about himself (not too bad though with all the suicides lately, do you get CNN?). I am hoping also to utilize the Unisted States Postal Service because as you can see writingletters is my forte and I find that I canexpress my sentiments most efficiently using written word, and stamps are only 44 cents (a bargain).

Thank yiu verymuch for you time and I will be wait eargly for your repose.

FroMLISA

Dear Michael K. Williams,

2010-10-08T20:54:00.001-04:00

I am ver excited to be writing to you because yiu are one of my favorite people. Once my friendsaw youin the men's room washing your hands and he said you worked up a real good lather so I congratulate you on our impeccable hygeine I hope also that whern you brush your teeth you do it forlike three minutes or more,w hen you have sleepovers do you do the contest with your friends to see who brushes the longest?It's an exciting way to incorporate healthy habits into a fun loving lifestyle. Tell me a secret does Idris Elba not like Burger Kng because he neverwrote me back. My feelings aren't hurt because if we're being frank I am not really a fan of burger King either. I have a very mportant questions and seeing as you wre unable to make it to my Important Party i consider it your duty to answer it: I am in the market to do some intimidating so where doIpurchase a sawed off shotgun? Or can I borrow yours.

Well as you know Thankgiving is just around the corner it's my faovrite holiday because I like stuffingand pie. It's my understanding that you do not have a family except for your boyriend so PLEASE PLEAE come to my house for thanksgiving and bring the guy with the cornrows I will provideyou both with all the food and family that you need. I love you so mcuh Michael K Williamsand ifyuo would let me I would hold your hand at the dinner table.

Okay goodbye I will keep my eyesopen for your shotgun advice,I love you,
Love,
Lisa

Dear President Obama

2010-10-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

Iis it all right if i call you dad? I always thought it was such ashame that you and Michelle had no chidren becausr you are such a beautiful couple. But with Bo, and now me, we can be a real family. Haha :D

Okay well nwo I need some advice andI'm very upset. A boy stole my idea for a blog even though I had it first and I do it better so naturally I'm really really mad. Whe n yiu want to hurt somebody;s feelings what do youdo besides beating then in an election? I love you Obama I'm really glad you are my pretsident, yiu have made me feel very proud and hopeful. Pleas give Jay-Z my love.

Love
Lisa

Dear Timothy Hamblin,

2010-10-06T20:16:00.001-04:00

I looked at your bog today. I looked at it and Isaid "TIM I hope you are having a fvery nice tine STEALING MYIDEAS and improving upon them." That was my firstthought. The second is how embarrsing it is for you to have made agirl cry. But you know what? Uponn looking through your lettesr I disocvered that you are no threat to my art. You hang with te little guys and me? Well I don't want to make it seen like panda bear and i are best frends or anything but at the endof the day we like to skype so I can see how big Nadja is getting and so he can complain about how his wife is a huge drag.

Listen to me., I could do this wth my eyes closed. I could do this in my sleep. I am a letter writng exper and maybe I got comfotable. Maybe I thoght I had a stronghold on the market and maybe I was wronng but that is fine. Competition is healthy. This is invigrating. Sometimes when people go to sleep they just don't wake up.

So here I would like to challhene you toa write-off. I have not yet decded the terms of this write-off but I am hopping mad so if you have any ideas plase let me know. Your efforts willbe flimsy; oft hat I am sure.

I may ber eached at letterstolookforwardto@gmail.com (welcome to the 21st century, losder).

FRON LISA

P.S. Enclodsed you will find a burger king coupon goodf or one free whopper. Deirdre Lovejoy really wantedit but her therapist is trying to teach her that food is no substitute for a man's love. Herpants have got to be like a size 8 now at least.

Dear Jim True-Frost

2010-07-21T22:43:00.003-04:00

I thougt a beard would help but it did't do the trick. Are yu friends with Michael K. Williams or does he hang with a differnt crowd; either way PLEASE tell him I'm having an Importnt Party and I need his RSVP as soon as it is available. Also do you know his favorite kind of cake. Tell Deirdre she looks like a sack of flour (in a bad way)O and I really apreciate your help whoops mybeer spiull on te keybnor

Dear Deirdre Lovejoy,

2010-07-20T22:56:00.002-04:00

Well you look like a woman that could hoover two Whopers in one sitting, whaddya say I foot the bill foryour next post-breakup suckfest you fat-faced bitch. Ha-HA just kidding please ask Michael K. Williams to come tomy dinner party, I wll send you two whopper coupons if you do it but this is a race who can win it you or Idris??

Dear Aidan Gillen,

2010-07-15T21:16:00.001-04:00

Recently I read a short but intersting article in Psychology Today regarding achievenent versus happiness. The author (who is basically a big nobody) concluded that third place or bronze medalists are often happier or more satisfied than those that come in second. The common feelnig of the latter (and this is my own speculation) is that he or she is a first place loser; it's similar to an all-or-nothing mentality -- "if I didn't win, I lost". Specators would hardly agree -- second, obviusly, is better than third (though I think all are great!), but I suppose knowing that, had you owrked a little a harder, trained alittle longer, pushed yourself to the edge, you coudl be the best. That, naturalyl, has some impact on the psyche.

And then thedoubts start flowing in. "Did Ireally give it my all?"

I bring this up because I'm wondering about your thoughts regaring your performance in The Wire -- specifically your accent. It has a nice job, we can agree on that, but it's pretty common knowledge that Idris Elba did an incredibly job hiding his accent, and, at times, Dominic WErst did a less than satisfactory job. That leaves you in the middle. How do yo feel? Being neither spectacular enogh to be first or poor enoug to be last. Middle child syndrome. Also your hair looks pretty dumb almost all of the time.

Anyway if you;re in touch wit Michael K. Wiliams please tell him that I hope he can make it tomy party, and also is he allergic to shellfish
Fron Lisa

Dear Idris Elba,

2010-07-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

Boy have I a deal for you. Please calm down and have a seat, I hope you like hamburgers, what can I do to put you in a good mood to accept me offer. Here is the thing. I really like Michael K Williams as a person and I am having a dinner on account of my big move and I would like for all my closest friends and Michael K. Williams to attend. So if you can get him to come (be sure to mention that it;s Very Iportant) I will send you two (2) coupons for FREE WHOPPERS at any Burger King location int he continal United Stares. If necessry I will also include a money order in the amount of $4.78 so you can purchase two large fries (I'm sorry but you are on your own for drinks). I am sending two because I realize Burger King is a fun time for some people and you may want to share it with a lved one, or maybe (sometimes) you are extraordinarly hungry. Please respond quickly because I would like to find out about Micael's food allergies before I decide on a menu for the party.

Than you

Lisa

Dear Dominic West,

2010-07-13T22:27:00.003-04:00

Hello! First some advice: please grow ut your hair because your head is shaped allwe ird (people are talking). Second (more advice) please tell Michael K. Wlliams that i am having a very important dinner and he is invited so please have him contact me for details. Are you in toch with him? It's important that he sits near me at the dinner table. Okay well goodbar domic west lisa

Dear Kanye West,

2010-07-12T20:20:00.005-04:00

I want to apologize for the last etter I sent you. I was a hater but I'm not anymore and I want you to kno wthat I like your music (it;s a ver good job). I alsohave a very important matter to share with you.

I just moved to a new apartment and pretty soon I'm going to have a housewarming dinner where I'll make anice meal and have friends come over to enjoy it with me. Here is my qustion: Do you know Michael K. Williams and if you do can you invige him for me? I would reallty like for him to taste my famous Filet mignon Au BordeLAIse., If he needs a place to sta that night don't worry I shold have a couch by then and there is plenty of parking

Thhan you very much Kanye,
love lids

Dear Rob McElhenney,

2010-05-14T21:00:00.001-04:00

Heloo, this letter is twofold. The first matter is an emergency! Can you ples do me favor and drop meoff at the Electric Fatory next Wednesday night, please I need to have an uplifting experence regardng Coolio as my life has been rather difficult lately (I apologizebut you are not invited; can yo lend me $29.50). Also you are buying the bar across fron my work adn I am very mad becase the guy with the beard tht gives me wings doesa good job of it and I like the wngs so please don't change the recipe. ALso cheap beers dont' make them more expensive or you will be sorry i will find you

from lisa

Dear Coolio,

2010-05-12T22:37:00.001-04:00

Hi Coolio please forgive me if I am nt at your show next week; I am low onfunds and cannot afford your tiket BUT ifyou want to put me on your list I would accept that as friendly donation. Also do you need to borrow money. I cannot lend you any but Iam good at asking for things so let me know if you nedme in your corner.

Well if you do not get myletter in time I hope you break a leg! and also try to keep the peace with Violent J his names is rather foreboding. Don't worry I won' be mad at you I just wan you to have a nice time please enjoy yourself out there remember it doesn't matter if you win or lose as long as you hav a NICE TIME.

Do what you lovem,
Lisa

Dear Thomas Mars,

2010-05-10T22:58:00.003-04:00

Hi Thomas Mars please tak a seat I ahve some questions for you. One is don't you think it;s weird when people have cravingS? I think the human body has an incrediuble ability to communicate its needs; what is the stranget thing you have ever crev? Righ now i want peanut butter on a stick (don't worry I would not eat the stick) but I ran out of peanut butter and now it's nighttime so I have to wait for tomorrow. Also another thing I like is calcium but you need vitmin D to get it; do you ever think about skeletons? I do it's scary.

Okay well of all the questions the Most Important One is this: given that you're a music lover like myself will you buy us tickets to go see Coolio play? But you have to hurry it's next Wdnesday, also if at all posible please buy three tickers as I have a hunch Will Sherr will be joining us.

I will hear from you soon Guy From Phoenix, goodbye
Lisa

Open Letter to Will Sheff,

2010-04-28T22:30:00.000-04:00

Hi Woll Shef,

look I have sone bad news: I seem to have misplace your address, ples contact me at your earliest covenience about an excitng offer regarding Coolio. This is an extremy time senitive matter so plese do not hesitate, I am as interested in spending an evening with you as I am in enjoying the muscial stylings of ArtisLEON Ivery JR.

I an very much loking forward to earing fron you.

Love LIDSA

Dear Joe Rogan,

2010-04-27T21:47:00.002-04:00

Hi frien! This time last year I ws wathing nEws Rado every single day! Recently there was a 'discussion' about dudes who look like dicks but aren't and I nominated you but you were not considered seriously as a candidate. Have you ever listend to Coolio. The thing about hin is he makes you feel like a cool guy just by hearing his tunes, what a self-esteem boost for those of us that deal with weight and other issues. I hope your mother is doing wel, Guve her my love. If you pay for the Coolio tickets I willgo with you;May 19th is already marked on my calendar (the Electric Factory in Philard).

I willt alk to you very very son Joe Rogan (or else haha)
Love(from) lIsa

Dear Sophia Coppola,

2010-04-23T23:37:00.000-04:00

Ples don' think I'm mad at you because yiu;re dating that guy from Phoenix, (if he had met me firt things would be differnt). You have beautiful hair; what do you wash itwith? Would you like to come wtih me to See Coolier Do A Concert in philaider perhaps it will remaind you of your youth.

I have sone investment opportuities to discuss with yuir father; please forwarf my contact informtion to him and also ples tell him Lisa says "GO PRID"e (he'll know what it means).

I Look Forwrd to Enjoying a Hip-Hop Concer with You Sophia Coplor,

Lisa

Dear Bradley Cooper,

2010-04-21T21:10:00.004-04:00

Helo Bradley. Today during lunch I sat on the corner of Front and Chestnut and watched yiu in your trailer. It was lovely unttil it started raining ,tomorrw if all goes as panned you will find this letter taped to your door. I hope I willget to see your face hwen youopen it;; :)

If yiu are sitll in Philadei on May 19th do you want to see Colio perform I think it would make a nice time fr both of us, Iwll buy you a drink ifyou will hold me hand (but you don' have to). Pleas let me know if yo are availae I am so excite to have contact with you Bradley copper this is truly a gret day for me (look to yout left I might be standing ther)

Love Youfr very good friend Lsa

Dear Kayden Kross,

2010-04-19T23:15:00.001-04:00

I'm concerned as I've been reading you twitter lately and while it'sv ery good news you made the deans list I want you to knwo that in real life tghere is now Wthdraw option. I udersand you have an exciting career aheadof you but as a briliant but virtually unknown thinker always says Your Looks Won't Save You Forever. HoWEVER I realize it;s essenital to balance work wth play and On That Note! will you please take me to see Coolio perform at the elctric factory in philadelphia on may 19th

Have a nice time
Lisa

Dear Method Man,

2010-04-18T23:31:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm from new York too but Staten Island is the least 'street' borough so I am surprised at you. I've been watching the Wire , it[s pretty nice but your face is too kind for such a tough character. Please will you like to see a concert with me, I am wanting to watch Coolio perform in MAY 19th it will be very nice, if you have a long drive you can stay at my house I plan on painting the guest room next weekend what's your favorite color

Your FrienLisa

Dear Brandy,

2010-04-16T23:58:00.002-04:00

Have yo ever loved somebody so much it majes you cry? Have yiu ever need ed something so bad you can't slep at night? Well maybe you should notg sing about thart which you do not undersand. Please sent me a ticket to See Coolio Perform on may 19th thank yogoodbye

Dear Kenan Thompson,

2010-04-16T01:12:00.001-04:00

Hi Kenan how are you!.. Guess whart: when I was younger I wasn' alowed to watch yur show because it made me too anxious but now Ican watch it all i want I just saw the one where your boss got real mad t you from messing up. Also I am wonderng if you still talk to Coolio at all and if yuou do please please ask him to put me on te list for his show in Philaelphia I need a newwatch.

Well Kenan it's been a plesure please know I thinmk you are dongi some of your best work on SNL

Goodbnye, your frien Lisa

Dear Jenny Lewis,

2010-04-15T00:37:00.001-04:00

Helo Jennifer, I hope you don't mind my saying so but you look lijke you've beenconsuming a lot of sodium lately. Speaking of artsists who did their best work in the 90s will you buy me a ticker to see Cooolio play at the Electric Factory on Mayn19th? I hope you are having an enjoyable evening goodbye.
Lisa

Dear Will Sheff,

2010-04-13T21:10:00.001-04:00

Hi how are you ding. I know it's been a while since my lsst letter and my frien says you're probably wondering how I'm doing so I will tell you: I am doinmg okay. I want to say that I think your album with Roy is very nice and I've been listening to it sometimes but also a whole lot of your older stuff, I think A Stone might be oner of themost perfcet songs ever written. A big thing I am wondering is if you'll come with me to see Coolio perform at the electric FACtiry it is on May 19th please Mark Your Calendars! I hoe you are well I will see you soon.

Give Beth my love.
Lisa

Dear James Ransone,

2010-04-08T21:22:00.004-04:00

First of all, your tattoos are a joke (everyone thinks so). Secondly, if you're ever really desperate you could probably make some extra cash as an impersonator; in my time I attended a few sweet sixteens that would have benefited by having the guy from Dashboard Confessional show up. Anyway what i"m trying to tell you is I will reallu hope for you to send me some tickets to see Coolio play at Electric Factory on May 19th. Please send a ticher goobye James Rascone GOODYBE

Fromlisa

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,

2010-03-21T02:03:00.002-04:00

I know yiu get a lot of letters so I will make this quick: in Garddn State when Natrlie Portman tells Zavh Braff she thought he was a really retarded person did yiou feel as though those words were meant for you? Because I did

Love
LISA

Dear Panda Bear,

2009-12-08T20:08:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about it and I'm pretty sure your daughter would rather have a step-mother than no mother at all.

Talk soon,
L

Dear Dave Eggers,

2009-09-21T20:17:00.001-04:00

I've had time to think over all the terrible things I wrote in my last letter, and I just want you to know that I definitely meant everything I said.

From,
Lisa

Dear Phil Spector,

2009-09-17T20:44:00.002-04:00

How are you doing did you have a nice summer it's my understanding that California can get very warm this time of year. I guess you probably don't know me, my name is Lisa and I am a big fan of music and don't think I haven't noticed your great work. You have done a very good job Mr. Spector, please don't besad

Well we're running out of time Phil Spector; on the 28th there is some music that I would like to see but I can't afford it and I realize you probably don't have your checkbook but that is OKAY because you are known for your creative mind. Do you have any ideas! Please write back at your earliest convenience as I am eager to hear your suggestions Please have a good day

Lisa

Dear Charles Manson,

2009-09-15T20:29:00.002-04:00

Hello how are you doing. I heard you guys just got Phil Spector, cool that should be fun. Please tell him to expect aletter.

What is your favorite band I don't really know fi I have one but there is a band that I listen to a lot, they are called Phoenix but guess what Charles manson I can't afford to buy a ticket to their show, it makes me feel very bad. Please can you think of a way for me to go? Have a nice dar.

Lisa

Dear Ted Kaczynski,

2009-09-14T20:10:00.003-04:00

Good morning, how are you doing, I hear Colorado is lovely this time of year. I used to go skiing there in the winter; even when I was vry young I could handel the black diamonds with little concern. I don't think I'll be going back this year because of the economy but maybe I'll head uip to Vermont for a few days. Have you been to Vermont? It's nice to visit but i wouldn't want to live there because their mountains are embarrassingly small.

Well, I was hoping you could give me some advice, or some money if you have any. I want to see a band play in Philadelphia at theend of the month but I can't afford it. If you were in my position what would you do? Thank you for your time.

From Lisa

Dear Kelly Ripa,

2009-09-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

Hi I really liked your outfit today on your show. Do you get to pick out yiur own clothes or dothey have someone to do that for you? I am of theopinion that fashion is a wonderufl way to express yourself adn that it is empowering for women dress how they woulkd like to be perceived. How exciting it is to put a look together!

I understand you are very busy so I will make this quick: there is a band I really want to see in Philadelphia it's a very fun band please please buy me a ticker to see their show, please;;;; Thanj you for your tine

Love Lisa

Dear Sondre Lerche,

2009-09-09T21:47:00.000-04:00

Hello, your face is verty angular (in a good way). I hope you are having a ncie time on tour, youknow what's fun? Listenigto music. Can you please send me a tichet to see Phoenix play a show in philadelphia on Septemb 28 I would appreciate it very much if I could go. I liked your twoway monologue music video, your hair stylist is very talented what kind of shampoo do you use

Thanj yiu for you time
Lisa

Dear Dave Eggers,

2009-09-08T20:48:00.002-04:00

Hey you fucking asshole you think you're so cute? Well I have newsfor you, Idiot. I don't know who the hell you think you are but I am not fooled -- your book, that fuckng book I read about your life is, god, it's just so stupid and you are the worst.

Have yuo ever listened to Beulah. Well they have an album that reminds me of you, which is a shame because I used to really like it, called "The Coiast is Never Clear" can you please send me aticket to see Phoenix play in Philadelphia on September 28

From Lisa

Dear Spike Jonze,

2009-09-07T20:20:00.000-04:00

Hi are you excited about your movie, I think it will be very nice I read the book it's based on and it was neat. Please don't make any loud noises?

I've been informed that you're probably pretty mad at Phoenix right now because that guy is dating Sohpia but please understand that their music is actually a fun thing and when it comes down to it who even knows what happiness is if we're all too caught up in measuring it, it's my opinon that to truly cherish what you have you need to forget the things that hold you back or make you scared in the night time beacuse you are so much stronger than them Spike Jonze, as a man and as a director and happiness is deserved by everybody in this world and the fact that it's ephemeral is what makes it so beautiful, so please send me a ticket to see Phoenix in Philadelphia

From Lisa

Dear Wilmer Valderrama,

2009-09-04T21:36:00.001-04:00

You a goofy motherfucker. Will you please send me to see PHoenix

Dear Anderson Cooper,

2009-09-03T22:15:00.000-04:00

Oh boy I love when you co-host Regis and Kelly those are my favorite epodes (don't tell Reg LOL) and I think all of thinfgs you have done in this world are so beautiful, you are such an extraorginary man please understand that I admire you hard work very much. Are you friends with Ellen Degeneres, she is also a hard worker. If you are not her friend maybe you should be.

Well anyway can you please do me a Favor an buy me a ticket to see a band called Phoenix play in Philadelphi on September 28? Like you they are very fun to listen to.

Goodbye now,
Lisa

Dear Liev Schreiber,

2009-09-02T21:54:00.000-04:00

Shalon. I hope you are very proud of yourself because you are doing gret things. Mazel tov on the birth of your second son; Naomi sure knows how to get into shape huh. HaHaHa you are a lucky man! Enjoy the restof your morning, can you please send me a tichet to see Phoenix play in Philadelphia bye

From Lisa

Dear Brett McKenzie,

2009-09-01T20:45:00.001-04:00

Hey Brett McKenzie here is a list of reasons I'm glad you're not having a third season: 1) your face.

Your fuckin face.What is with that. Your stupid fuckin face. Like you don't know. It's not okay. I hat e

Please send me a ticket to see Phoenix play in Phildelphia

Dear Justin Long,

2009-08-31T20:36:00.000-04:00

Hey kid what's new, is ther anything nice going on in your life? Did you know that the guy from Phoenix is dating Sophie Coppola, I almost always like what she wears, her fashion sense is very good. I'm going to tell you the truth: please, please do not spike up your hair it looks so bad when you do that, really you're a handsome enough person but your 'look' is a lot easuer to swallow when I don't have to see your forehead. Please send me a ticket to see Phoenix in Philadelphia on September 28.

Goodbye Justin Long,
Lisa

Dear Vincent Kartheiser,

2009-08-28T20:10:00.002-04:00

Hi, it took me a long time to learn how spell your last nane from memory but now I can do it (K-A-R-T-H-E-I-SE-R) you play a very handsome role on Man Men, I like when you're in a bad mood it makes me feel funny;; oh.............oh

Please come with me to see a band play, I would like it if you came as my frien or maybe more, I mean we could just see if we hit things off no hard feelings don';t worry but please take me to see Phoenix in Philadelphia because I can't afford it, but you, you are an actor,

Love
Lisa

Dear Jason Alexander,

2009-08-27T20:26:00.001-04:00

Well to be completeyl honest it took me a long time to warm up to George Costanza after watching North. Once I did though it was all smooth sailing, I really liked the time your fiance died and also your asnwering machine message makes me laugh every tine. Hahaa. =D

So anyway JAson Alexander I was hoping you could buy me a ticket to see Phoenix play in philadelphia on September 28. I watched you dance in that commercial it was a good job, but you need to be careful because the cartilage in your joints like knees can become very weak and brittle, then when it gets depleted your bones are just rubbing against each other and you need to go to the doctor. ;; A woman your wife's age might be suffering from osteoperosis make sure she attends regular checups with a general practitioner.

I will see you very very soon Jason Alexander..
Lisa

Dear Hilary Duff,

2009-08-26T22:59:00.001-04:00

Hello Hilary it's been a Long Timre. How are you doing, do you still talk to LaLaine at all. Are you having a nice time in L.A. I hear the weather there is fabulous but sometines in the winter you need a jacket just be sure to keep warm okay/? Becuse otherwise you might get sick.

So I was wondering if you'd Like to come to a concer with me, the band is very handsome they had a song with a bit of an 80s feel and I know you are a fan of the 80s so please come with me because I can't afford to go.. Tell me did you ever kiss Zac Efron or Nick Jonas; Please buy me a ticket and come too

From
Lisa

Dear Kel Mitchell,

2009-08-25T22:57:00.001-04:00

I';ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you're finding yourself to be well; I read on IMDB that you have a son Named Lyric, did you know that Ashley Parker Angel of O-Town fame also has a son named lyric? Whose son do you think will grow up to be gayer.

Anyway I understand you are av ery busy man so I will cut to the chase: Please buy me a ticket to see a band, you can come too it's in Philadelphia the band is called Phoenix it will be a very fun time. As a child I used to watch you on your shows// who knew that one day yiu would make my dearm come true.

LoveLISA

Dear Jeremy Piven,

2009-08-24T23:56:00.000-04:00

Good norning I hope you;re finding yourself to be well on this dar. Congratulates on starting yuor 7th season of Entourage'' accoplishme nt/

Well anyway Mr. Pivel I was hoping I could ask yiu a favor: on Seprtember 28th willy ou take me to see a band play in Philadehai they are called Phoenix , their one guy is dating Sophia Coppolar so maybe she couldput you in a movie;. Also you shiuld stay agt my house after in case it runs latem I will take the blw up mattress down from the attic Goodbye
LIsa

Dear Michael Bay,

2009-08-24T02:35:00.004-04:00

Why the long face, heh thst's a joke I use sometimes when people have really long faces'. Anyway congratualtions on making your movie, you did a nice job employing :"Big Explorsion"s and "ontense slow-montion shots of chaters"

excuse me asecond i need a glasof watert

Nicharl Bay I Need To Askj You A Question/FAVior) pelase send me to see PHOenix it's a band they made as ong that was All The Rage earlier this year but I can't afford itGiven the EConomy. Pardon me iNeed morewater;/;/

So anywar', I live outsdide of Philadelphia adn as I'm sure you've heard on the news the conditions of these areas are deterioarting and music is all that is keeping mostkids off the street. Please sent me to see Phoenix on Suptmer 28 I have so ltitle to look forward to mylife is very hard

Love
''';LIilsa

Mission: Animal Collective: Accomplished!

2009-04-23T13:21:00.010-04:00

Today in the mail I received a Priority Flat Rate envelope with no return address to be found. Upon opening the envelope, I discovered this:

It's a ticket to Animal Collective's sold out show in Philadelphia! Holy shit. Thank you, unseen hero.

If you're responsible for this or you know who is, please let me know so I can send a batch of cookies and a thank you card.

And now on to the next...

Special Edition: Dear Jefferson Zeppelin,

2009-04-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

Congartulats on getting in 51st place in the Boston Marthon I think yiju did a really good job I was very excited when I heard your big news. It is a good job. For youyr information, hjad you run in the 1952 Boston Marathn you woukld have come in first place, the real wionner that year was a man nanmed Doreteo Flores, his time was two hurs thirty one minutes and fifty three seconds good job! if you ever wonder how you are in sucgh remakable shapre please refer to this haiku you wrote over the summer:

breakfast: bowl of rais
-in bran with a cut-up peach
on it; lunch: giant

peanut butter and
jelly sandwich, glass of milk,
glass of chocolate milk;

dinner: salad con
-sisting of garden lettuce,
chicken, tomato,

cucumber, anoth
-er cut-up peach, with balsam
-ic vinegar as

dressing. also two
pieces of toast with butter
and jelly. it was

a good day. posted
by jefferson zeppelin on
august twelfth oh eight.

please respect yiur body enouhg to continue to stay healhty, you are dong such gret things these days val can't walk that fast please get me ticjets to Animal Colectve

Fron Lisa

Dear Simon Cowell,

2009-04-20T19:47:00.001-04:00

Tell me how dors it feel to never be a nice man, how does it feel to look out over yiur empire and see all the mangled bodies of the poep;e you stepped on to get to the top? I bet yiu are not even a gret singer.

Well anyway can you please get me a ticher to see Animal Collective in Philadelphia, they are mostly very talented yong men (although I'll admirt I'm not entirely sure what it is exactluy that deakin does) and it's my understanging that you make quite the liivng by being rude.

Thank you for you time, have a very nice day please
Lisa

Dear Ellen Degeneres,

2009-04-19T19:43:00.003-04:00

Hello, yiu are doing gret thins with your show I don't particuarly care for your dancing but that is probably because I am not a dancer per se, but more of an interperter of sounds. Speking of sounds there is a wonderuil band that makes the most interesting music I really want to go se them and don't think, Ellen, that I haven't taken note of your stimulus packages because I have an I'm of the opnion that I'm the perfect candidate to receive your assistance. Here is why:
1.I'm currertly unemployed
2. I'm drinkung
3. I want it a Lot Please

I look forwarf ti hearing from you please give me money or tickets love LISA I love you ELLen Degeneres

Dear Geologist,

2009-04-18T20:49:00.002-04:00

Yiu sure have an usua; name, does it run in your familiy whatr's your ethnicity are your parents celebrities. Did yiu know that somewhere there is a baby called Pilot inspektor, I don' know I thin Geologist is a much nicer name than that. Also you are a musician good job.

Okjay well I was wondering do you want me to go to yout show in Philadelphia on May 12th? I woiuld like that. I promise to cheer very loud for yiu because it's pretty much common knowledge that after the fourth guy you are the most hated member of Animal Collective. Do yiu still have a fourth guy? For your sajke I hope so. Okay Well I'll See YHou Soon Geologer Please Send Me Tichers

From;
LISA
;'''

Dear John Walsh,

2009-04-17T21:25:00.002-04:00

Hello! Well I harve to say you do a really gret job with yiur show, it is one that appeals very much to a girl with interests such as mine. I mean totailly honestly it gets better each season and that's so rare I mean lok at what happerned to Gossip Girl.

Okay well John Warg will you please do me a favort and cone with me to see Animal Collective play next month in Phildelphia, I think your job is very stresseful and you need to enjoy the wonderful music of this band, it will probably make you feel a lot better. I look forwarf to hearing from you, I'm sure your day in the sun will come very soon it's such a shame that allyour harg work has gone unnoticed;;

Love,
Lisa

Response from Burger King

2009-04-17T13:17:00.011-04:00

I finally received a response to this letter!

It looks awfully familiar... (click to enlarge)

There are two differences between this letter and the original, the first being that they are apparently not forwarding my comments to the appropriate management team. The second, of course, is the lack of a signature. I guess Deborah is no longer in charge of my case.

And again, I got two Whopper coupons -- fingers crossed that all goes well this time.

Now I'd like to take the time to remind you that if you have any questions, comments or suggestions I can be reached via e-mail at letterstolookforwardto@gmail.com.

My first response from Burger King can be found here.

Dear Will Sheff,

2009-04-15T20:28:00.001-04:00

Hi how are you, you know I've been watchibng a lot of ghost shows lately and I always thinjk of you, I don; know it just seems like something you might be into. Hey well I have a question are you friens with NOah Lennox (Parnda Bear), can you please get us on the list to Animal Collertive's show in Philadephia? You can stay at my hiuse after, I'll buy you a couple beers it will be a real real ncie time Woll Sheff, I PROMISE;; ohh;;';

Well anyways I ghuess that's about it, also you shoudk know that I thinkj you've been looking very handsome lately i like what you're doing wirth your beard you know you're a very heavy sleeper

Your frien,;
lisa

Dear Panda Bear,

2009-04-14T21:58:00.001-04:00

Helo it's been sone time since we talked, I hope all is well wtih you. I'm still listening to MPP it is still a gret record please don't feel bad about yiursef things like this rarly live up to the hype so it's not your fault~

Well you;re playing near my house on May 12th but as you know it's sold out, Panda I'm having a hard time right now with the economy so please pleare put me on yiur lis t. I've beern listening to live recordings of yousguys and it's been such a nice time please Iwould do anything to see you really play in real life please NOAh lennox i think you are so fun and a good musician with a nice soft jawline;;./

Do yiu miss your dad boy it would be a shame if sonething happened to your mom~

Love;'
Lisa

Dear Tom Waits,

2009-04-13T20:52:00.001-04:00

Helio I am so honored to speak with you Mirster Waits, I hope you know you're doing gret things it's sonice to listen to your things your voice is very lovely. Well yu are a snart man so I was hopng we cou;ld discuss some business, I have anice idea you should name yiour nex record For No Man and then it cuold be like Tom Waits For No Man but the joke is time it works on a lot fo different levels

oaky well you're welcone to use that idea, as paytment I only accept ticekts and cash, preferabkly Aninal Collective tickets but I'd also be willing to see you the nest time you cone to the east coart

Than Yiu bye,
Lisa

Dear Readers,

2009-04-13T10:33:00.008-04:00

I made a bet with a friend that I could stay sober for a month; as the winner of this bet, I now have in my possession a ticket to see Spoon on April 26th. Let's consider this a blog-related victory.

No worries, friends -- I'm off the wagon once again, starting this evening. Expect a new letter by midnight.

In the meantime, watch this: Dear Burger King

With Love,
Lisa/Larsa/Lids

Dear Shaquille O'Neal,

2009-03-13T11:12:00.004-04:00

Helo well I hsave some ideas I would like to share with you if you if yiu're intersted. I realize Hallowen is a long tine away but it's never too early to start thinking about your costune, and given our country's econonic climate i believe it would be fitting if you went as a lioan shark but here's the joke: you can call yiuself a LOAN SHARQ (all yiu have to do is add an R inside of your name). I mean I suppose you could aslo just go as a regular shark but I don' know it just owuldnt be the same.

Recenly I have been very impressed with yoiur basketball, also I saw your shoe and it was very big. Please please come with me to see Spoon play in Lancaster on Apri 26th, you can sleeo over my house if it's a long drive but this is an opportntiy you don't want to miss, trus me spoon is a very very fun musical group~

You know you live in a crazy world when this is the face of a man who has a lot of sex

Your frien,
;;lisaA

Dear Anthony Gonzalez,

2009-03-12T12:03:00.002-04:00

Hello where did you cone up with M83 also your last name makes yiu seem very extreme (for empahsis it's sonetimes spelled xxxtreme, I've found it also helps if you put sone extra Zs in there like foir example xxxztremez, that is pprobably the most exrreme way you can spell that word in my experience). Do you speak english.

Well now I would like to invit you tos ee Sppoon with me in April they aare a great band but I'n sure you know that, a very fun thing is all the handclaps they have in their songs, I believe Britt Daniel is a musical genius that knows how to appeal to a genrtation such as ours, also I am somewhat convinced he is an idiot savant because really now have you seen his face.

Adios senior gonarxas
Lidsa

Dear Tyler Perry,

2009-03-11T14:16:00.002-04:00

Hello Mr, Pery I'm sorry yuor dad used to beat you, were you unbearable as a child? I've fond in my exprence that some chijdren are hard to dea; with however you sem very well behaved. Whart a nice job you did on writing all yiur plays, congrtuatltionas.

As a supporter of the arts< Ithink you will enjoy the music of a very nice and fun band called Spon, the man taht sings all the songs is a nice singer you will love him (on the down low), will oyu please come with me? They are playing in Lancaster, PA on April 26; if you haven't heardf Lancaster is somewhat of an artistic mecca so we should probably get there a little early to explore.

I look firward to hearing from you, thanj you very nuch have a giood time,
Lisa

Dear Larry David,

2009-03-09T13:36:00.002-04:00

Shalom! I saw yiur show with Krazee EYez Killah it made me laugh very nuch it was so nice, but then I fond out that Ghostface Killah is a diferent man (I thougt they were the sane guy) and thart was not as nice, it was a hard day but I'n feling better now.

Well spekin of music there is some I wan to see in Texas, please cone with me I got rejected from Birthrigh so please pleare come Larr Darve, I never knew my dad~

Lorve,
Lisa

Dear Burger King,

2009-03-07T14:17:00.012-05:00

Well "Debroah" I hope yui're happy with yoursef. I was verypleased to receive your "copons" for free "whopers" in the mail. For days i kep them in my pocket sinply because I liked the way they felt inside of there; it was like Burge King's way of telling me I was special in a secret.

but you arenot burger king yiu are burger tyrant;.;;
youh are a tyrant all you awful men and wonen with your specialty burgers you hold themover our heads like a treasure;////'

I wen with my mom to the burger kingstore near my house, inside the drive thriughu we ordered our two free whorppers and two sides of frnsh fries. This is what we fond when we got hone:

TWO
not one but TWO plain beef patties on soggy breads. no frensh fries in sights. thsoe "frnehc fries" costs us FOUR DOLARS AND NINETEEN CENTS amd those "whopers" costs us our DIGNITY (9and our copons).

Enclonged you will find the leter you sent in response to my origal complaint. You can habe it back, I don' want your stupig empty apology you've made your fellings quit clear. My feelings are
obv iously of no imporgance to you. I an just a girl. what can i do.

Godbye
Lisa

The original letter to Burger King can be found here.
Their response to that can be found here.

Dear Jorma Taccone,

2009-02-24T16:43:00.003-05:00

Yuo look like a petite man that's so nice becayse I am also rather small, I wrot a song about it called "I'n a Small Thing" to the tune of Blink182's "All the Small Thins" if yiu ever want to borrow my son for yourself that would be okay.

Speking of SONGS its my understanging that yiu've recently cone into some money, how nice for yiu. There is music that I ned to see in Austin but I can't afford to go, it would be avery fun tine if we went togerther. You can bring your wife too, don' worry I have absolutely no interst in having any sex wuth you whatsoever...

I WILL SEE YOU VERY VERY SOON JORMA TACCONE YOU CAN CONT ON IT

Thang you
Lisa

Dear Jeremy Kyle,

2009-02-23T08:56:00.003-05:00

Hello Mr. Kyle, your horoscope for today is "by being homnest about what you think, you can charnge someone's life significatly" I think this is very imortant, please take it to heart, you have the power to make a changer. Did yiu know yiu share a birthay with Marc Chagall, Michelle Kwarn and Will Sheff? They are beautiful artists that have made this worlf a better place.

I'm writing to you today to dsicuss my fetish, it's a disburbing one. I love tickets. I wan all of them, all of the tickest in the worl and this disgusting obsession has banrupted my family. We are very sad. I have plans now to come to the UK to warmp your childrens' minds, look out! But I am not incapable of compromise: if you send me to SXSW I will not borther I promise.

YOu suck! Maybe//.
From Lisa

Response from Burger King

2009-02-22T19:21:00.019-05:00

I received my first response! If you need a reminder, you can find my original letter to Burger King here.

This is what they had to say (click to enlarge):

I was also lucky enough to score these:

They're not tickets to SXSW, but with the money I'll save with these coupons I should have enough cash in no time!

Update.

Dear M. Ward,

2009-02-20T08:46:00.006-05:00

I care very litle about you but from what I undersand you are an aspiring musciian of sorts. That's very nice, I like music too. I saw you in the Go_)Getter your part was very nice do you have any experience working at a car wash.

OK so I'n wohndering if you want to comne with me to SXSW (South BY Southwarst). There you will haver the opportubity to see some bands play, if you get luicky you might even get the chabce to talk to some of them about your dream of beconing a singer. Pleare respond soon it's haeppning in Marcsh.

From
LISa

Dear Panda Bear,

2009-02-19T11:58:00.001-05:00

Hello Noah. Well I'mn not going to preternd my feelings weren't hurt whem I didn't hear from youon Valentins' Dar. I realize there is a significan time difference since you're all the way in Portygal but it woukdnt have killed you to send me a car.d

Well now that we got that out of the way I have a very importand matter to discus with you: Animal Collertive is sold out in new York! It is a big issue. Please put me on youyr list, I need to see your band very badly it is a necessity your new record is real nice I like to hold it in my hands;'/.;';;. oh god ohh///

Than yuo

With Love,
Larsa

Dear Michael Emerson,

2009-02-14T10:00:00.001-05:00

Hi, I an afraid of you but I am also in love with you, this I think is what it feesl like when achild fallsin love with his kidnaper, they nade a syndrome for it. The only thing I dom't like is how often you wear khakis but other thab that you're doing a real nice job on yiour show.

OK well I guess i"l see next month in Tesas, bye michael Enerosob
';,loidsa

Dear Jason Schwartzman,

2009-02-13T09:01:00.003-05:00

Hi, I thinj you probably make a gret best friend. Do you habe any pets. I don;t but I like aninals a lot you know what else I lik a lot, MUSIC.

In march Austin has a time wth music, lots of peiple go, I thougt maybe you could plauy your songfs and I could c ome too, don't blame yoursef for your brther ther'es a bad seed in every family did you know yourr mom is Connie, Soinny is DEAD because of her[';;``

Lisa

Dear A.C. Newman,

2009-02-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

Hi, how great are you! All of your music is wodnerful it makes me so glad I love to hear you. Are you going to SXSW ths year I think you should because it's a nice way to showcase your sound, now here I would like to cordially invite you to go there with me, if you would kindly purchase our tichets using your comparny credit carg I will show you how to write it off as an asset, I leanred all the facts in a class I took since it is a business expemse. Don't worry AC I will pack the lunches.

I loook forward to our times,
Lisa

Dear Chace Crawford,

2009-02-11T09:04:00.001-05:00

Don't feel bad, it's difficult to portrauy such a bland character I;m sure in the grand schene of things this wont' reflect poorly on yiu as an actor.

I need to borow some money to visit your native Texas, I understamd your state was founded on friendship';..

Do not
let me//;/
down or you[[[[[[[[[[[;/
will be sorry.

Lisa

Dear Matthew Fox,

2009-02-10T09:06:00.003-05:00

Hi, are your tattos pretend.

You;rea nice doctor on LOST, yiu are aging handsomely do you ever wonder if your life is an elaborate joke with you as the punchline. Think abuot that for a minute, then let;'s go to a concert in Texas your trreat see you soon~

Lisa

Dear David Berman,

2009-02-09T13:22:00.002-05:00

Lechaim< I HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING WELL. I['m sorry you got in a fight with your dad, it's my experience that sonetimes parents just don't know but you can't hold it against them because they have hard jobs too. I also have some advice if yourte not too proud to take it: write down all your feelings inside of a song, it is a constryctive and creative way to express yourself. Once I wrote a stor;y, the feelings were in there/']][]]

In texas thre is a big party with music, I think yuo need some cheering up so I will go with you we can hold hands but not if it's too hot becase I don't like when hands are sweaty. Also my hands get sticky sometimes, most often after I drink a cup of juice but don't worry because I will bring napkins. I'll see you soon then, David Bergen]\\

Shalonm,
Lisa

Dear Bill Clinton,

2009-02-08T13:02:00.002-05:00

Helo, I think yo seem like a fun guy, in my speech class we watched you talk ion the TV. It was nice I learned you "hav ean ease about" you it's always neat to watch a TV in class.

I heard you like music, me tooo! Thereis some music happening in Texas soon, will you come with me? I don't really think there will be a lot of saxophohnes but if you want I can check and let you know, just don't get your hopes up too high. Please call mne on the telephne: ***-***-****.

Your frienb.,
Lisa

Dear Tom Cruise,

2009-02-07T11:04:00.003-05:00

Once on the subway a lady told me I had a haricut like Suri Cruise that's your daughter it was okay, can you lend me some money it's very importamt. Ethan Rom is your cousin are you scared;;''/. oh;/

Lisa

Dear David Berkowitz,

2009-02-06T16:19:00.007-05:00

Good mroning. I hope you are fimding yourseldf to be well. My name is Lisa, I really likee dogs and my favorite food is teryiyaki. What are youers?

I'ma cutally looking for sone addvice. There's a concert I want to go to but it's very espensive and also it's 3 dayslong and all the way in Texas. I don't have enough moeney to go so I'm veryt sad, I've never eben to Tecxas and I hear everything is bigger down there. What should I do?

I hgope you are having a nice day. What time is it where yu are?

From,
Lisa

P.S. Here is a picyure of my favorite dog

P.P.S. Here is a pictyre of my favorte teriyako

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

2009-02-05T10:53:00.006-05:00

Hello, Facbook is a nice networking tool for internet userts, I hope you are very prod of yoursef. Smetimes my frien sees you at a diner, he takes pictures of you weith his phone and sends them to me, it's a way to pass the time. I do however hope yu renenber to brush your teeth after every meal because diner food can be very sugary.

Enoug with the smll talk Mr. Zuchercorb, the reality of the situation is that this is a business inquiry. I have heard from my contacts thaat you are a man with a lot of money, so pelase let me be frank: I am hoping yu will give me some;;// It wiouldbe a nice thing, I would say thanjk you. I need to see a music festival.

Enjoy yourself;',
Kisa

Dear Lily Allen,

2009-02-04T16:37:00.003-05:00

Hello. I have a delicate situation I'd like to approach, and considering you sem like a smart enough girl I was hoping we could be adults about this. First let me explain my emergency. I have a very important Wish to go see some music in Texas but because of hard times I won't be able to make it. Well it turns out the concert is still going on so as you can understand I am very anxious aboiut this, I want to be part of the fun time too. Basiclly you have one of two choices: 1) sleep over my friend's house, he is so so nice and if you do he PRomised he would send me to the music; or 2) you can send me to the music yourself, enclosed you will find an envelope that is already stamped and addressed, all you have to do is write a check and put it in themail. Whatever your decision I apreciate your help fery much.

Goodbye Lily Alle>>?,
Lisa

Dear Nicholas Cage,

2009-01-30T14:17:00.003-05:00

Can you belive I've never seen any of your movies! That;s really a crazy thing isn't it. Don't feel bad though I'm sure it's not you. I have a question, did Lisa Marie Presley consummate (have sex) her marriage with Michael Jackson I am only wondering because that's a weird kind of thing to think about, another thing that's weird is her dad, he was very famous. He was also in a war. I think he played instruments?

So the reason I am writing to you today is to discuss your opinions on some music, I'm hoping to visit Texas in a few weeks to attend SXSW and I think you will have alot of fun if you come too. We don't have to hang out the whole time but if you don't know anybody I will understand iof you'd prefer to stay together. Well I was looking at my money and it seems like I can afford the plane ride and the food but I can't afford the ticket to see the music, OR I can afford the ticket to see the musci but I have no way to get down there. Will you be a friend and help me out pleare?

I will see you VERY SOOn Nicholas Cahge...

L:Iisa

Dear Burger King,

2009-01-28T11:18:00.009-05:00

Do you know what maks me angry? ONIONS4. When you make a saneswish without one of its PRINCIAPL INGREDENTS, that is the same as BREAKNG a PRONISE. And do you know what a broken promise is? AT LIE. Why are you lyinhg to me. How can I show you this hurt in a way that you will undesrtand?

Upon further considration my friend Mike and I have decided that we are still humgry but no longer for yor "Angry" Whoper -- now we are hungry for justice! We will be more than happy to forgive your grave oversight in exchange for free tickets to a southern-themd musical festival of our hoice.

Angrrly,
Lisa

Update 1.
Update 2.

Dear Stone Cold Steve Austin,

2009-01-22T14:20:00.002-05:00

Hello Mr. Austin, your neck is very thick is that on purpose? I have a question, when you wear a tie does it come up short or do you buy long ones specifically designed for gentlemen with ample necks like yourself. I suppose if I was in your position I would favor bowties, I find them to be a dapper accessory no matter the occasion.

Well enough small talk, I amn a business-minded woman that I'm sure you will respect: I need tos tay at your house during the week of March 18 for a fun time, if you are not able to put me up will you please arrange for me to stay at a nearby hotel. Contintental breakfast is not a necessity but pleasenote that I like to eat breakfast a lot. If this is impossible can you pleare spot me money for a ticket to see the music.

Haf a very nice day
;;:Lisa

Dear Rick Perry, Governor of Texas,

2009-01-21T09:49:00.006-05:00

Recently I was talking to Geroge bUsh about horses and it was brought to ym attention that you are a horse lover as well. You should braid their manes it's a very handsome look for a steed.

Anyway as you've probably heard I'mm planning a trip down to Texas in mid-March for a musical gathering. If you don'tmind I would like to stay at your house, it's okay if you don't hav a guest room because I was planning to bring my sleping bag anyway. Just plaese leave thehall light on so I don't fall over on the way to the bathroom.

I look forward to meeting you and your horses, and on behalf of the frienship state have a nice dar;.'/'

bye,
Lisa

Dear George W. Bush,

2009-01-21T09:36:00.004-05:00

In some cultures when a man embarrasses his country it's considered honorable for him to commit suicide; in others he moves back to his dad's ranch in Texas. Do you have horses?

Dear Bill Gates,

2009-01-20T11:32:00.004-05:00

Hello, I hear you are very rich that must be nice. I like computers too they are useful for word processing among other things. Considering you are an entrepreneur of sorts, I was hoping to cut a deal with you in order to get my hands on your money (I'm planning a trip down to Texas to see some music). I know a lot of keyboard secrets including shortcuts and F5 and I am willing to share these with you for a small fee, please contact me at your earliest convenience so we can set up a meeting.

Have a nice time.

Formally,
Lisa

Dear Jason and Grant of Ghost Hunters,

2009-01-18T14:47:00.004-05:00

Hello, I am such a big fan of your things. I think ghosts are very neat, I like when you guys hunt them with your teams the one time you were in the light house was real scary. After I watch your show I am sometimes afraid but maybe I am jhust sensitive to ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELDS. Do you get scared of things soemtimes? I read that when you're scared of things but you don't let that stop you it means you are brave or a hero.

Anyways I am writing you a letter to inform you that Austin Texas may be haunted during the week of March 18 and furthermore I am interested in Paranormally Investigating these claims with you. You may pick me up at my house on your way down to Texas. The directions can be found here (I am on the way!).

Thank you for your interest sirs,
Lisa

Dear George Lucas,

2009-01-17T15:52:00.004-05:00

Hello Mr. Lucas you are aman of many talents. One tine I saw your movie Indiana Jones, it is my opinion that Harrison ford makes a very hadnsome professor. I guess you hate Nazis. How long does it take you to groew out your beard?

Well anyways I actally have a favor to ask, since you are so rich do you please think yiu can send me sone money! I want to go to a music festival in texas I've never been to texas but I think it looks real fun have you ever been tio Texas? You cann show me around if you want.

Well I'll be checking your mail thank you for your kindnerss,
Lisa

Dear Howard Stern,

2009-01-16T10:56:00.008-05:00

I don't know what the big deal waswhen you got kicked off your radio and had to go to satellite you know what else, nobodfy wants to admit that you are very nice but i think you are, I think you should call Rosie O'Donnell and have her go on oyur show she is a comedienne of sorts you will have a lot of lauhgs. well enough advice, I Am actually wondering if you could do me a favor and get me A ticket tosee Aninal Collective in NewYork, I love them a lot they are in radio too

lisa

p.s. robin ,,/% oh,;;'