Dear Dave Eggers,

I've had time to think over all the terrible things I wrote in my last letter, and I just want you to know that I definitely meant everything I said.

From,
Lisa

Dear Phil Spector,

How are you doing did you have a nice summer it's my understanding that California can get very warm this time of year. I guess you probably don't know me, my name is Lisa and I am a big fan of music and don't think I haven't noticed your great work. You have done a very good job Mr. Spector, please don't besad

Well we're running out of time Phil Spector; on the 28th there is some music that I would like to see but I can't afford it and I realize you probably don't have your checkbook but that is OKAY because you are known for your creative mind. Do you have any ideas! Please write back at your earliest convenience as I am eager to hear your suggestions Please have a good day

Lisa

Dear Charles Manson,

Hello how are you doing. I heard you guys just got Phil Spector, cool that should be fun. Please tell him to expect aletter.

What is your favorite band I don't really know fi I have one but there is a band that I listen to a lot, they are called Phoenix but guess what Charles manson I can't afford to buy a ticket to their show, it makes me feel very bad. Please can you think of a way for me to go? Have a nice dar.

Lisa

Dear Ted Kaczynski,

Good morning, how are you doing, I hear Colorado is lovely this time of year. I used to go skiing there in the winter; even when I was vry young I could handel the black diamonds with little concern. I don't think I'll be going back this year because of the economy but maybe I'll head uip to Vermont for a few days. Have you been to Vermont? It's nice to visit but i wouldn't want to live there because their mountains are embarrassingly small.

Well, I was hoping you could give me some advice, or some money if you have any. I want to see a band play in Philadelphia at theend of the month but I can't afford it. If you were in my position what would you do? Thank you for your time.

From Lisa

Dear Kelly Ripa,

Hi I really liked your outfit today on your show. Do you get to pick out yiur own clothes or dothey have someone to do that for you? I am of theopinion that fashion is a wonderufl way to express yourself adn that it is empowering for women dress how they woulkd like to be perceived. How exciting it is to put a look together!

I understand you are very busy so I will make this quick: there is a band I really want to see in Philadelphia it's a very fun band please please buy me a ticker to see their show, please;;;; Thanj you for your tine

Love Lisa

Dear Sondre Lerche,

Hello, your face is verty angular (in a good way). I hope you are having a ncie time on tour, youknow what's fun? Listenigto music. Can you please send me a tichet to see Phoenix play a show in philadelphia on Septemb 28 I would appreciate it very much if I could go. I liked your twoway monologue music video, your hair stylist is very talented what kind of shampoo do you use

Thanj yiu for you time
Lisa

Dear Dave Eggers,

Hey you fucking asshole you think you're so cute? Well I have newsfor you. Idiot. I don't know who the hell you think you are but I am not fooled -- your book, that fuckng book I read about your dumb life (you fucking idiot) is, god, it's just so stupid you are the worst.

Have yuo ever listened to Beulah. Well they have an album that reminds me of you, which is a shame because I used to really like it, called "The Coiast is Never Clear" can you please send me aticket to see Phoenix play in Philadelphia on September 28

From Lisa

Dear Spike Jonze,

Hi are you excited about your movie, I think it will be very nice I read the book it's based on and it was neat. Please don't make any loud noises?

I've been informed that you're probably pretty mad at Phoenix right now because that guy is dating Sohpia but please understand that their music is actually a fun thing and when it comes down to it who even knows what happiness is if we're all too caught up in measuring it, it's my opinon that to truly cherish what you have you need to forget the things that hold you back or make you scared in the night time beacuse you are so much stronger than them Spike Jonze, as a man and as a director and happiness is deserved by everybody in this world and the fact that it's ephemeral is what makes it so beautiful, so please send me a ticket to see Phoenix in Philadelphia

From Lisa

Dear Wilmer Valderrama,

You a goofy motherfucker. Will you please send me to see PHoenix

Dear Anderson Cooper,

Oh boy I love when you co-host Regis and Kelly those are my favorite epodes (don't tell Reg LOL) and I think all of thinfgs you have done in this world are so beautiful, you are such an extraorginary man please understand that I admire you hard work very much. Are you friends with Ellen Degeneres, she is also a hard worker. If you are not her friend maybe you should be.

Well anyway can you please do me a Favor an buy me a ticket to see a band called Phoenix play in Philadelphi on September 28? Like you they are very fun to listen to.

Goodbye now,
Lisa

Dear Liev Schreiber,

Shalon. I hope you are very proud of yourself because you are doing gret things. Mazel tov on the birth of your second son; Naomi sure knows how to get into shape huh. HaHaHa you are a lucky man! Enjoy the restof your morning, can you please send me a tichet to see Phoenix play in Philadelphia bye

From Lisa

Dear Brett McKenzie,

Hey Brett McKenzie here is a list of reasons I'm glad you're not having a third season: your fuckin face. What is with that. Your stupid fuckin face. Like you don't know, like you don't fuckin knoiw. It's not okay. I hate.

Please send me a ticket to see Phoenix play in Phildelphia

Dear Justin Long,

Hey kid what's new, is ther anything nice going on in your life? Did you know that the guy from Phoenix is dating Sophie Coppola, I almost always like what she wears, her fashion sense is very good. I'm going to tell you the truth: please, please do not spike up your hair it looks so bad when you do that, really you're a handsome enough person but your 'look' is a lot easuer to swallow when I don't have to see your forehead. Please send me a ticket to see Phoenix in Philadelphia on September 28.

Goodbye Justin Long,
Lisa

Dear Vincent Kartheiser,

Hi, it took me a long time to learn how spell your last nane from memory but now I can do it (K-A-R-T-H-E-I-SE-R) you play a very handsome role on Man Men, I like when you're in a bad mood it makes me feel funny;; oh god.............oh

Please come with me to see a band play, I would like it if you came as my frien or maybe more, I mean we could just see if we hit things off no hard feelings don';t worry but please take me to see Phoenix in Philadelphia because I can't afford it, but you, you are an actor,

Love
Lisa

Dear Jason Alexander,

Well to be completeyl honest it took me a long time to warm up to George Costanza after watching North. Once I did though it was all smooth sailing, I really liked the time your fiance died and also your asnwering machine message makes me laugh every tine. Hahaa. =D

So anyway JAson Alexander I was hoping you could buy me a ticket to see Phoenix play in philadelphia on September 28. I watched you dance in that commercial it was a good job, but you need to be careful because the cartilage in your joints like knees can become very weak and brittle, then when it gets depleted your bones are just rubbing against each other and you need to go to the doctor. ;; A woman your wife's age might be suffering from osteoperosis make sure she attends regular checups with a general practitioner.

I will see you very very soon Jason Alexander..
Lisa

Dear Hilary Duff,

Hello Hilary it's been a Long Timre. How are you doing, do you still talk to LaLaine at all. Are you having a nice time in L.A. I hear the weather there is fabulous but sometines in the winter you need a jacket just be sure to keep warm okay/? Becuse otherwise you might get sick.

So I was wondering if you'd Like to come to a concer with me, the band is very handsome they had a song with a bit of an 80s feel and I know you are a fan of the 80s so please come with me because I can't afford to go.. Tell me did you ever kiss Zac Efron or Nick Jonas; Please buy me a ticket and come too

From
Lisa

Dear Kel Mitchell,

I';ve been thinkgin about you a lot lately. I hope you're finding yourself to be well; I read on IMDB that you have a son Named Lyric, did you know that Ashley Parker Angel of O-Town fame also has a son named lyrics? Whose son do you think will grow up to be gayer.

Anyway I understand you are av ery busy man so I will cut to the chase: Please buy me a ticket to see a band, you can come too it's in Philadelphia the band is called Phoenix it will be a very fun time. As a child I used to watch you on your shows// who knew that one day yiu would make my dearm come true.

LoveLISA

Dear Jeremy Piven,

Good norning I hope you;re finding yourself to be well on this dar. Congratulates on starting yuor 7th season of Entourage'' accoplishme nt/

Well anyway Mr. Pivel I was hoping I could ask yiu a favor: on Seprtember 28th willy ou take me to see a band play in Philadehai they are called Phoenix , their one guy is dating Sophia Coppolar so maybe she couldput you in a movie;. Also you shiuld stay agt my house after in case it runs latem I will take the blw up mattress down from the attic Goodbye
LIsa

Dear Michael Bay,

Why the long face, heh thst's a joke I use sometimes when people have really long faces'. Anyway congratualtions on making your movie, you did a nice job employing :"Big Explorsion"s and "ontense slow-montion shots of chaters"

excuse me asecond i need a glasof watert

Nicharl Bay I Need To Askj You A Question/FAVior) pelase send me to see PHOenix it's a band they made as ong that was All The Rage earlier this year but I can't afford itGiven the EConomy. Pardon me iNeed morewater;/;/

So anywar', I live outsdide of Philadelphia adn as I'm sure you've heard on the news the conditions of these areas are deterioarting and music is all that is keeping mostkids off the street. Please sent me to see Phoenix on Suptmer 28 I have so ltitle to look forward to

Love
''';LIilsa

Mission: Animal Collective: Accomplished!

Today in the mail I received a Priority Flat Rate envelope with no return address to be found. Upon opening the envelope, I discovered this:










It's a ticket to Animal Collective's sold out show in Philadelphia! Holy shit. Thank you, unseen hero.

If you're responsible for this or you know who is, please let me know so I can send a batch of cookies and a thank you card.

And now on to the next...

Special Edition: Dear Jefferson Zeppelin,

Congartulats on getting in 51st place in the Boston Marthon I think yiju did a really good job I was very excited when I heard your big news. It is a good job. For youyr information, hjad you run in the 1952 Boston Marathn you woukld have come in first place, the real wionner that year was a man nanmed Doreteo Flores, his time was two hurs thirty one minutes and fifty three seconds good job! if you ever wonder how you are in sucgh remakable shapre please refer to this haiku you wrote over the summer:

breakfast: bowl of rais
-in bran with a cut-up peach
on it; lunch: giant

peanut butter and
jelly sandwich, glass of milk,
glass of chocolate milk;

dinner: salad con
-sisting of garden lettuce,
chicken, tomato,

cucumber, anoth
-er cut-up peach, with balsam
-ic vinegar as

dressing. also two
pieces of toast with butter
and jelly. it was

a good day. posted
by jefferson zeppelin on
august twelfth oh eight.

please respect yiur body enouhg to continue to stay healhty, you are dong such gret things these days val can't walk that fast please get me ticjets to Animal Colectve

Fron Lisa

Dear Simon Cowell,

Tell me how dors it feel to never be a nice man, how does it feel to look out over yiur empire and see all the mangled bodies of the poep;e you stepped on to get to the top? I bet yiu are not even a gret singer.

Well anyway can you please get me a ticher to see Animal Collective in Philadelphia, they are mostly very talented yong men (although I'll admirt I'm not entirely sure what it is exactluy that deakin does) and it's my understanging that you make quite the liivng by being rude.

Thank you for you time, have a very nice day please
Lisa

Dear Ellen Degeneres,

Hello, yiu are doing gret thins with your show I don't particuarly care for your dancing but that is probably because I am not a dancer per se, but more of an interperter of sounds. Speking of sounds there is a wonderuil band that makes the most interesting music I really want to go se them and don't think, Ellen, that I haven't taken note of your stimulus packages because I have an I'm of the opnion that I'm the perfect candidate to receive your assistance. Here is why:
1.I'm unemployed
2. I'm drinkung
3. I want it a Lot

I look forwarf ti hearing from you please give me money or tickets love LISA I love you ELLen Degeneres

Dear Geologist,

Yiu sure have an usua; name, does it run in your familiy whatr's your ethnicity are your parents celebrities. Did yiu know that somewhere there is a baby called Pilot inspektor, I don' know I thin Geologist is a much nicer name than that. Also you are a musician good job.

Okjay well I was wondering do you want me to go to yout show in Philadelphia on May 12th? I woiuld like that. I promise to cheer very loud for yiu because it's pretty much common knowledge that after the fourth guy you are the most hated member of Animal Collective. Do yiu still have a fourth guy? For your sajke I hope so. Okay Well I'll See YHou Soon Geologer Please Send Me Tichers

From;
LISA
;'''

Dear John Walsh,

Hello! Well I harve to say you do a really gret job with yiur show, it is one that appeals very much to a girl with interests such as mine. I mean totailly honestly it gets better each season and that's so rare I mean lok at what happerned to Gossip Girl.

Okay well John Warg will you please do me a favort and cone with me to see Animal Collective play next month in Phildelphia, I think your job is very stresseful and you need to enjoy the wonderful music of this band, it will probably make you feel a lot better. I look forwarf to hearing from you, I'm sure your day in the sun will come very soon it's such a shame that allyour harg work has gone unnoticed;;

Love,
Lisa